Henry V – Watch him but prance heeled in obedience

Henry

Shakespeare

Canterbury compliments Henry V as an incredible man who is amazing at whatever he does. Even if he picked up new things, we would think him a master because he learns so quickly. It is surprising though because when he was young, Henry V was a rascal and partied all the time with his disreputable friends.

Canterbury
Hear him but reason in divinity,
And all-admiring with an inward wish
You would desire the king were made a prelate:
Hear him debate of commonwealth affairs,
You would say it hath been all in all his study:
List his discourse of war, and you shall hear
A fearful battle render’d you in music:
Turn him to any cause of policy,
The Gordian knot of it he will unloose,
Familiar as his garter: that, when he speaks,
The air, a charter’d libertine, is still,
And the mute wonder lurketh in men’s ears,
To steal his sweet and honey’d sentences;
So that the art and practic part of life
Must be the mistress to this theoric:
Which is a wonder how his grace should glean it,
Since his addiction was to courses vain,
His companies unletter’d, rude and shallow,
His hours fill’d up with riots, banquets, sports,
And never noted in him any study,
Any retirement, any sequestration
From open haunts and popularity.

Dogspeare

Canterfurry is praising Henry the dog. Henry is incredibly well trained and his poop is firm and healthy. He can even run agility courses. It is quite amazing considering that when he was a puppy, he was a bad dog—getting into fights, eating human food, barking, and chewing everything he saw.

Canterfurry
Watch him but prance heeled in obedience,
And all-admiring with and piercing stare,
You would desire the dog were made best in show:
Watch him listen to his Owner’s commands,
You would say it hath been all in all his training:
Touch his discourse of poo, and you shall feel
A healthy firm chunk render’d you in surprise:
Turn him to any course of obstacles,
The Gordian twist of it he will fly past,
Familiar as his backyard: that, when he comes,
The smell, an often libertine, is clear,
And pee holding wonder lurks in dog’s snouts,
To steal his sweet and honey’d aroma;
So that the grass and smelly part of park
Must be the mistress to this pungent musk:
Which makes heads cock how his grace should be so good,
Since his addiction was running away,
His companies unfixed, matted and growling,
His hours fill’d with fights, human food, claws,
And never noted in him any training,
Any devotion, any self-discipline
From pulling, begging, barking, chewing shoes.

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King Lear – Thou, instinct, art my goddess

King Lear

Shakespeare

In Shakespeare’s time, if your mother wasn’t your father’s wife, you were a bastard and were treated like dirt. Edmund is a bastard born out of wedlock. His father tells everyone Edmund is a “whoreson” even though “there was good sport at his making” (awkward). Edmund ruminates over this unfair treatment and plans a letter to swindle his legitimate brother out of his father’s land.

Edmund
Thou, Nature, art my goddess; to thy law
My services are bound. Wherefore should I
Stand in the plague of custom, and permit
The curiosity of nations to deprive me,
For that I am some twelve or fourteen moonshines
Lag of a brother? Why bastard? wherefore base?
When my dimensions are as well compact,
My mind as generous, and my shape as true,
As honest madam’s issue? Why brand they us
With base? with baseness? bastardy? base, base?
Who, in the lusty stealth of nature, take
More composition and fierce quality
Than doth, within a dull, stale, tired bed,
Go to th’ creating a whole tribe of fops
Got ‘tween asleep and wake? Well then,
Legitimate Edgar, I must have your land.
Our father’s love is to the bastard Edmund
As to th’ legitimate. Fine word- ‘legitimate’!
Well, my legitimate, if this letter speed,
And my invention thrive, Edmund the base
Shall top th’ legitimate. I grow; I prosper.
Now, gods, stand up for bastards!

Dogspeare

Edmutt complains that he gets yelled at when he begs for human food. Humans are such misers! He plans to go to the next person at the table until he finds someone who will give him food.

 
 

Edmutt
Thou, instinct, art my goddess; to thy call
My behavior is bound. Wherefore should I
Sit in the face of commands, and permit
The stinginess of miserly men to deprive me,
For that I have four legs and am some two thumbs
Lag of a human? Why dog? wherefore no meat?
When my appetite is as well yearning,
My tongue as ravenous, and my teeth as sharp,
As civil mankind’s issue? Why brand they us
With bad? with beggar? get off me? bad, bad?
Who, in the space under the table, have
More patience and affable quality
Than doth, above it with gluttonous men
Go to th’ consuming a whole bag of chips
Got ’tween breakfast and lunch? Well then,
Civilized Owner, I must eat from table.
Your neighbor’s scraps are to the beggar Edmutt
As to the civilized. Fine word ha- “civilized”!
Well, my civilized, if this paw nudges,
And my intention thrive, Edmutt the bad
Shall eat with th’ civilized. I gulp; I consume.
Now, gods, share steak with canines!

Romeo and Juliet – O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?

RomeoandJuliet

 

Shakespeare

The Montagues and the Capulets are mortal enemies. This makes it incredibly hard for two lovers, Romeo, a Montague, and Juliet, a Capulet, to even spend time together. Juliet yearns for Romeo and bemoans that his last name keeps him from her. Romeo watches and then interrupts her speech.

 
Juliet
O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
And I’ll no longer be a Capulet.

Romeo
[Aside] Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?

Juliet
’Tis but thy name that is my enemy;
Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.
What’s Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What’s in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call’d,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name,
And for that name which is no part of thee
Take all myself.

Romeo
I take thee at thy word.
Call me but love, and I’ll be new baptized.
Henceforth I never will be Romeo.

Dogspeare

Chihuahuas and Newfoundlands are very different sizes. Chihuahuas weigh around 6 pounds; Newfoundlands around 160. This makes it incredibly hard for Jules, a Newfoundland, to play with Romeo, a Chihuahua. Jules laments that she cannot play with Romeo because of their different breeds. Romeo watches and then interrupts her speech.

Jules
O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy forebears and refuse thy kind;
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my rove,
And I’ll no longer be a Newfoundland.

Romeo
[Aside] Shall I hear more, or shall I bark at this?

Jules
’Tis but thy breed that is too undersized;
Thou art thyself, though not a Chihuahua.
What’s Chihuahua? it is nor paw, nor tail,
Nor pad, nor snout, nor any other part
Belonging to a pet. O, be some other breed!
What’s in a breed? that which we call a dog
From any breed would still man’s best friend be;
So Romeo would, were he not tiny toy bred,
Retain that sweet aroma which he vents
Without that descent. Romeo, doff thy breed,
And for that breed which is no part of thee
Come play with me.

Romeo
I take thee at thy woof.
Say but “Come”, and I’ll be new pedigree.
Henceforth I never will be Chihuahua.

A Midsummer Night’s Dream – I am that merry wanderer of the park

MidsummerNight

Shakespeare

Puck, a.k.a. Robin Goodfellow, is a mischievous sprite. He is known for his pranks, which Oberon, the king of fairies, loves. For one of his pranks, he transformed someone’s head into a donkey’s head. When a fairy asks if he is the trickster she has heard about, Puck outlines some of his best shenanigans.

Fairy
Are you not he?

Puck
Thou speak’st aright.
I am that merry wanderer of the night.
I jest to Oberon and make him smile
When I a fat and bean-fed horse beguile,
Neighing in likeness of a filly foal.
And sometime lurk I in a gossip’s bowl
In very likeness of a roasted crab,
And when she drinks, against her lips I bob
And on her withered dewlap pour the ale.
The wisest aunt telling the saddest tale
Sometime for three-foot stool mistaketh me.
Then slip I from her bum, down topples she,
And “Tailor!” cries, and falls into a cough,
And then the whole quire hold their hips and laugh,
And waxen in their mirth, and neeze, and swear
A merrier hour was never wasted there.
But, room, fairy! Here comes Oberon.

Dogspeare

Buck is an energetic golden doodle. He constantly pulls on leash and runs around any chance he gets. He outlines some of his best times in the park.

 
 
Fairy
Are you not he?

Buck
Truth is in your bark.
I am that merry wanderer of the park.
I walk with Owneron and make her stoop
When I a fat and treat-fed dog go poop,
Circ’ling in likeness of a roundabout.
And sometimes whiff I in my patient snout
The very likeness of a mallard duck,
And when it quacks, against my leash I pluck
And on the tightened nylon falls my friend.
The fastest ball flying to farthest end
Sometimes for game of fetch it deceives me
Then slip I from her grip, down topples she,
And “Come!” cries, and she pats onto her thigh,
And then the pack turns their hips to comply
And barking in their mirth, and sprint, and stare
A tastier treat was never wasted there.
But, look, brothers! Here come some squirrels.

Much Ado About Nothing – I beg thee, cease thy training

Much Ado About Nothing

Shakespeare

Leonato is extremely depressed because he thinks his daughter, Hero, has died (even though she hasn’t and it is all part of an elaborate plan to get everyone to like her again after a previous elaborate plan made her lose face). Leonato refuses advice from someone who doesn’t suffer the same pain he does. It is easy to give someone advice when you are not suffering the way they are, but suffering yourself, you can’t follow that same advice.

Leonato
I pray thee, cease thy counsel,
Which falls into mine ears as profitless
As water in a sieve. Give not me counsel,
Nor let no comforter delight mine ear
But such a one whose wrongs do suit with mine.
Bring me a father that so loved his child,
Whose joy of her is overwhelmed like mine,
And bid him speak of patience.
Measure his woe the length and breadth of mine,
And let it answer every strain for strain,
As thus for thus and such a grief for such,
In every lineament, branch, shape, and form.
If such a one will smile and stroke his beard,
Bid sorrow wag, cry “hem” when he should groan,
Patch grief with proverbs, make misfortune drunk
With candle-wasters, bring him yet to me
And I of him will gather patience.
But there is no such man. For, brother, men
Can counsel and speak comfort to that grief
Which they themselves not feel, but, tasting it,
Their counsel turns to passion which before
Would give preceptial med’cine to rage,
Fetter strong madness in a silken thread,
Charm ache with air, and agony with words.

Dogspeare

Leo is an adopted dog with a rough past. His Owners are trying their best to train him, but are having difficulty. Other dogs are easy to train, but with Leo impatience takes over because his past makes him unruly.

 
 
 

Leo
I beg thee, cease thy training,
Which falls into mine ears as profitless
As meats in a freezer. Give me not training,
Nor let no other dog play with mine food
But such a one whose past does suit with mine.
Bring me a stray pup that fought for his food,
Whose bed of straw was overwhelmed like mine,
Bid him quiet and patient.
Measure his fear the length and breadth of mine,
And let it tremble every shake for shake,
As thus for thus and downward tail for such,
In every standing back hair, eye, snout, and paw.
If such a dog will sit and wait and stay,
Bid his tail wag, “unh-unh” when he should whine,
Patch fear with “it’s ok,” follow loud noise
With chicken-rewards, bring him yet to me
And I of him will leashed be patient.
But there is no such dog. For, Owner, men
Can train dogs and speak comfort to their fear
When their dogs do not scare, but, sniffing it,
The training turns to impatience which past
Would give multiple treats for commands,
Address strong pulling with a full head turn,
Praise come with “yes!”, and always end with fetch.

Antony & Cleopatra – Sir, I will not be bathed, I’ll not be trimmed.

Antony and Cleopatra

Shakespeare

The three leaders of the Roman Republic (Antony, Caesar, and Lepidus) are vying for total control. Caesar dismisses Lepidus and then goes to battle Antony at sea. Antony gets extra ships from his lover Cleopatra, the Queen of Egypt, but still loses the battle. Caesar wants to show off his victory by parading Cleopatra through the streets of Rome. She describes the terrible things she would rather do than be displayed to Rome as a prize.

Cleopatra
Sir, I will eat no meat, I’ll not drink, sir.
If idle talk will once be necessary,
I’ll not sleep neither. This mortal house I’ll ruin,
Do Caesar what he can. Know, sir, that I
Will not wait pinioned at your master’s court,
Nor once be chastised with the sober eye
Of dull Octavia. Shall they hoist me up
And show me to the shouting varletry
Of censuring Rome? Rather a ditch in Egypt
Be gentle grave unto me. Rather on Nilus’ mud
Lay me stark naked and let the waterflies
Blow me into abhorring. Rather make
My country’s high pyramides my gibbet
And hang me up in chains!

Dogspeare

Cleo was at doggie day care all day. She comes home very dirty and smelly. Her owner wants to bathe her to clean off the pee she rolled in, but she resists being bathed and describes the pains she would rather endure.

 
 
 

Cleo
Sir, I will not be bathed, I’ll not be trimmed.
If some grooming will once be necessary,
I’ll not sleep neither. This human house I’ll stink up,
Do bipeds what they can. Know, sir, that I
Will not wait to shed at my master’s court,
Nor once be brushed to stop the runny eye
Of allergic humans. Shall they hoist me up
And put me into the running water
Of bathroom shower? Rather a crate in darkness
Be a gentle den unto me. Rather on dog park’s edge
Hold me tight-leashed and let all the other dogs
Bark me into submission. Rather place
On Owner’s highest bookshelves my best treat,
And remove my kibble!

Julius Caesar – Be quiet till the last

Julius Caesar

Shakespeare

After defeating Pompey and his sons in battle, Julius Caesar is to be crowned Emperor of Rome. Cassius thinks Caesar is acting too much like a dictator king. For the good of Rome, Cassius convinces Brutus to help kill Caesar. After the murder, a crowd of Romans gathers and listens to Brutus defend the killing.

Brutus
Be patient till the last.
Romans, countrymen, and lovers! hear me for my
cause, and be silent, that you may hear: believe me
for mine honour, and have respect to mine honour, that
you may believe: censure me in your wisdom, and
awake your senses, that you may the better judge.
If there be any in this assembly, any dear friend of
Caesar’s, to him I say, that Brutus’ love to Caesar
was no less than his. If then that friend demand
why Brutus rose against Caesar, this is my answer:
–Not that I loved Caesar less, but that I loved
Rome more. Had you rather Caesar were living and
die all slaves, than that Caesar were dead, to live
all free men? As Caesar loved me, I weep for him;
as he was fortunate, I rejoice at it; as he was
valiant, I honour him: but, as he was ambitious, I
slew him. There is tears for his love; joy for his
fortune; honour for his valour; and death for his
ambition. Who is here so base that would be a
bondman? If any, speak; for him have I offended.
Who is here so rude that would not be a Roman? If
any, speak; for him have I offended. Who is here so
vile that will not love his country? If any, speak;
for him have I offended. I pause for a reply.

Dogspeare

Barkus is usually a well behaved dog, but on his last walk he ran away from his owner even as he heard the “come” command. Barkus explains his disobedience noting his instinctual impulse to play with other dogs was too strong to resist.

 
Barkus
Be quiet till the last.
Owners, man’s best friends, and walkers! Hear me for my
cause, and don’t bark loud, that you may hear: believe me
for I am alpha, and have respect to my rank, that
you may believe: question me with your sniffer, and
dampen your nostrils that you may the better judge.
If there be any in this noble pack, any great loyal
canine, to him I say that Barkus’ obedience
was no less than his. If then that dog demand
why I ran away against “Come,” this is my answer:
not that I obeyed Owner less, but that I obeyed
instinct more. Had you rather I down-stayed and been
locked on leash, than that I ran, to go free and
play fetch? As Owner trusted me, I cry for him;
as he gave attentive pets, I licked his face; as he was
training, I honoured him: but, as he was so boring, I
left him. There are licks for his love, joy for his
playing, honour for his training, and spite for his
dullness. Who here is so beta that would be a
bond-dog? If any, bark; for him have I offended.
Who here is so submissive that would not run to play? If
any, woof; for him I have offended. Who is here so
tame that will not play with his kind? If any, howl;
for him have I offended. I pause for a reply.

As You Like It – All the world’s a trail

As You Like It

Shakespeare

Jaques has a reputation for being melancholy. He is such a Debbie-downer that he brags he can make sadness out of good things. He belittles life itself by equating it to a play, which we merely act out.

Jaques
All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse’s arms.
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel,
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woful ballad
Made to his mistress’ eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths, and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon’s mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lin’d,
With eyes severe, and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper’d pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side,
His youthful hose well sav’d, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.

Dogspeare

Jack is a contemplative dog. He loves to hike and reflect. Here, he realizes that a dog’s life is like a long trail.

 
 
Jack
All the world’s a trail,
And all the dogs and canines merely hikers:
They have their summits and their trail heads
And one dog in his time sees many yards,
His markers at seven stages. At first, the new whelp,
Blind, deaf, and nursing on mother’s milk.
And then the social puppy, with his new teeth,
And adorably cute face, jumping spring
All over his litter. And then the adopt’d,
Loving new family, with a woeful carpet
Made to be dripping yellow. Then a mongrel,
Full of strange ways, chewing up all the shoes,
Not coming when called, sudden and quick in humping,
Seeking the alpha reputation
Even in his Owner’s den. And then the adult,
In fair round belly with luscious treats lin’d,
With full grown size, calmed temperament,
Full of wise paws and growing distances;
And so he walks his part. The sixth stage shifts
Into the grey and droopy senior coat,
With cataracts in eye and slow panting,
His youthful toys well chew’d, a world too hard
For his worn teeth; and his big wolf-life bark,
Turning again toward puppish treble, yaps
And yip yips in his sound. Last post of all,
That ends this strange eventful exploring,
Is second puppyness and near oblivion
Sans ears, sans eyes, sans everything but love.

The Merchant of Venice – Fair turkey bacon’s pack!

Merchant of Venice

Shakespeare

Bassanio is in love with Portia and is willing to do whatever it takes to win her affection, but he isn’t the only one. In fact, Portia has so many suitors that her father has crafted an unconventional test to sift through them. Three caskets made of different metals—gold, silver, and lead–are laid before the suitors and whoever picks the right one gets Portia’s hand in marriage. When Bassanio chooses the correct casket he can’t believe it.

Bassanio
What find I here?
[Opening the leaden casket]
Fair Portia’s counterfeit! What demi-god
Hath come so near creation? Move these eyes?
Or whether, riding on the balls of mine,
Seem they in motion? Here are sever’d lips,
Parted with sugar breath: so sweet a bar
Should sunder such sweet friends. Here in her hairs
The painter plays the spider and hath woven
A golden mesh to entrap the hearts of men,
Faster than gnats in cobwebs; but her eyes,–
How could he see to do them? having made one,
Methinks it should have power to steal both his
And leave itself unfurnish’d. Yet look, how far
The substance of my praise doth wrong this shadow
In underprizing it, so far this shadow
Doth limp behind the substance. Here’s the scroll,
The continent and summary of my fortune.
[Reads]
“You that choose not by the view,
Chance as fair and choose as true!
Since this fortune falls to you,
Be content and seek no new,
If you be well pleased with this
And hold your fortune for your bliss,
Turn you where your lady is
And claim her with a loving kiss.”
A gentle scroll. Fair lady, by your leave;
I come by note, to give and to receive.
Like one of two contending in a prize,
That thinks he hath done well in people’s eyes,
Hearing applause and universal shout,
Giddy in spirit, still gazing in a doubt
Whether these pearls of praise be his or no;
So, thrice fair lady, stand I, even so;
As doubtful whether what I see be true,
Until confirm’d, sign’d, ratified by you.

Dogspeare

Woofanio has been having a great time camping with his family. To deter him from their food, the family has sprayed their meat cooler with chew deterrent. The spray’s terrible smell is supposed to keep dogs away, but Woofanio is too curious to be stopped. When he finds the meats, though, he can’t believe that they are his to eat.

 
 
Woofanio
What find I here?
[Opening the cooler sprayed with chew deterrent]
Fair turkey bacon’s pack! What demi-god
Hath sealed such great creation? Move these zips?
Or whether, riding on the snout of mine,
Seem they in motion? Here are spiral’d hams,
Coated with sugar glaze: so sweet a sheen
Should cover such sweet meats. Here in the ice
This box plays the protector and hath melted
A slush bath to preserve the food of humans,
Longer than snow on mountains; but these zips, —
How could he reseal bacon? having chewed some,
Methinks he should have craving to eat the rest
And leave the bag wide open. Yet sniff, how far
The substance of my praise doth wrong this raw pork
In underprizing it, so far this raw pork
Doth limp behind barbecued. Here’s the scent,
The aroma and perfume of my sweet fortune.
[Sniffs]
“You that choose not by the smell,
Chance as fair and choose as well!
Since this picnic falls to you,
Be content and track no new,
If you be well lured by this,
and hold your barking for your bliss
Turn you where your new foods lay
And claim them as if fresh killed prey.”
A gentle scent. Fair bacon, by your leave;
I come by whiff, to nibble and to thieve.
Like one of two begging for some fresh steak,
That thinks he hath been cute to earn his take,
Hearing “treat” and universal “good boy”,
Giddy in instinct, still muted acting coy
Whether these words of leave be his or no;
So, thrice fair bacon, stand I, even so;
As doubtful whether what I smell be prim
Until confirm’d, okay’d, given by him.

Othello – Thus do I ever make my fool my nurse

Othello

Shakespeare

Othello, a great general, decides to make Cassio his new lieutenant. Iago is angered because he wanted the job. Instead of telling Othello or trying to be better for the next promotion that comes around, Iago turns into a true villain. He lays out a plan to frame Cassio and take his job by convincing Othello that Othello’s new wife is having an affair with Cassio.

Iago
Thus do I ever make my fool my purse:
For I mine own gain’d knowledge should profane,
If I would time expend with such a snipe.
But for my sport and profit. I hate the Moor:
And it is thought abroad, that ’twixt my sheets
He has done my office: I know not if’t be true;
But I, for mere suspicion in that kind,
Will do as if for surety. He holds me well;
The better shall my purpose work on him.
Cassio’s a proper man: let me see now:
To get his place and to plume up my will
In double knavery—How, how? Let’s see:—
After some time, to abuse Othello’s ear
That he is too familiar with his wife.
He hath a person and a smooth dispose
To be suspected, framed to make women false.
The Moor is of a free and open nature,
That thinks men honest that but seem to be so,
And will as tenderly be led by the nose As asses are.
I have’t. It is engender’d. Hell and night
Must bring this monstrous birth to the world’s light.

Dogspeare

Ruffago’s owner thinks he has his dog trained, but, in reality, Ruffago has his owner trained. This cunning dog gets his owner to take him to the dog park by barking and pretending he has to pee.

 

Ruffago
Thus do I ever make my fool my nurse:
For I mine own train’d knowledge should profane,
If I would paw extend on such command.
But to be taken outside. Then given food:
And it is thought inside, that ’twixt his rules
He refined my nature: I know it is part true;
But I, for half compliance in that kind,
Get treats as if for surety. He feeds me well;
The better shall my begging work on him.
Destination is dog park: let me see now:
To go that place and to fill up my well
In double woofery—How, how? Let’s sniff:–
After some time, barking loud in Owner’s ear
That he is too distracted from his work.
He hath a doggie with a clear dispose
To go out-of-doors, framed to have to go pee.
Once they are out in free and open nature,
He thinks me honest and will reward me for’t,
And will as tenderly be sniffed by my nose As asses are.
I have’t. It is enliver’d. Paw and lick
Must bring this cunning dog to the world’s light.