Antony & Cleopatra – Sir, I will not be bathed, I’ll not be trimmed.

Antony and Cleopatra

Shakespeare

The three leaders of the Roman Republic (Antony, Caesar, and Lepidus) are vying for total control. Caesar dismisses Lepidus and then goes to battle Antony at sea. Antony gets extra ships from his lover Cleopatra, the Queen of Egypt, but still loses the battle. Caesar wants to show off his victory by parading Cleopatra through the streets of Rome. She describes the terrible things she would rather do than be displayed to Rome as a prize.

Cleopatra
Sir, I will eat no meat, I’ll not drink, sir.
If idle talk will once be necessary,
I’ll not sleep neither. This mortal house I’ll ruin,
Do Caesar what he can. Know, sir, that I
Will not wait pinioned at your master’s court,
Nor once be chastised with the sober eye
Of dull Octavia. Shall they hoist me up
And show me to the shouting varletry
Of censuring Rome? Rather a ditch in Egypt
Be gentle grave unto me. Rather on Nilus’ mud
Lay me stark naked and let the waterflies
Blow me into abhorring. Rather make
My country’s high pyramides my gibbet
And hang me up in chains!

Dogspeare

Cleo was at doggie day care all day. She comes home very dirty and smelly. Her owner wants to bathe her to clean off the pee she rolled in, but she resists being bathed and describes the pains she would rather endure.

 
 
 

Cleo
Sir, I will not be bathed, I’ll not be trimmed.
If some grooming will once be necessary,
I’ll not sleep neither. This human house I’ll stink up,
Do bipeds what they can. Know, sir, that I
Will not wait to shed at my master’s court,
Nor once be brushed to stop the runny eye
Of allergic humans. Shall they hoist me up
And put me into the running water
Of bathroom shower? Rather a crate in darkness
Be a gentle den unto me. Rather on dog park’s edge
Hold me tight-leashed and let all the other dogs
Bark me into submission. Rather place
On Owner’s highest bookshelves my best treat,
And remove my kibble!

Advertisements