Hamlet – To pee or not to pee

Shakespearean Dog

Shakespeare

You think you have a crazy uncle? Hamlet’s uncle murdered his father then married his mother. In response, Hamlet contemplates the pros and cons of suicide. Pros: avoid the troubles of living (including insane uncles) through a long sleep. Cons: the sleep of death might be full of nightmares.

Hamlet
To be, or not to be–that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep–
No more–and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to. ’Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep–
To sleep–perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause. There’s the respect
That makes calamity of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th’ oppressor’s wrong, the proud man’s contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law’s delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th’ unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry
And lose the name of action. — Soft you now,
The fair Ophelia! — Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remembered.

Ophelia
Good my lord.

Dogspeare

Hambone has to pee, but his owner is not home to take him out. He weighs the pros and cons of urinating inside the house. Pros: he marks his territory and relieves himself. Cons: he will get in trouble and miss a chance to go outside where he could play with other dogs.                                              

Hambone
To pee, or not to pee–that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the groin to suffer
The cramps and sloshing of a quite full bladder
Or to unleash a yellow sea of troubles
And by leaking get scolded. Alone, in crate–
No more–and by a stream to say we pass
The urine, and the thousand grumbling torments
Of holding it in. ’Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. Go pee, “bad dog”–
“bad dog”– perchance stay in: grr, there’s the rub,
For while we are indoors what dogs may come
With whom we cannot mutually butt sniff
Must give us pause. There’s the respect
That makes calamity of free whizzing.
For who would bear the waiting and holding,
Th’ oppressor’s leash, the human’s domineering,
The pangs of loneliness, the paw’s delay,
The insolence of mankind, and the loss
Of opportunity to claim one’s den,
When dog himself might lavatory make
With a high backleg? Who would hold urine,
To huff and puff under a cramping load,
But that the dread of not going outside,
To undiscovered country, from whose smells
All dogs communicate, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear liquid we have
Than miss a scent of those we know not of?
Thus conscience does make good dogs of us all,
And thus the urge to mark one’s territory
Is suppressed by the appeal of a walk
And even canines of great strength and will
With this regard their currents stay inside
And lose the name of alpha. — Bark woof woof,
The door is opening! — Human, with your help
I can finally go pee.

Ownerphelia
Let’s go out.

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