Henry V – Watch him but prance heeled in obedience

Henry

Shakespeare

Canterbury compliments Henry V as an incredible man who is amazing at whatever he does. Even if he picked up new things, we would think him a master because he learns so quickly. It is surprising though because when he was young, Henry V was a rascal and partied all the time with his disreputable friends.

Canterbury
Hear him but reason in divinity,
And all-admiring with an inward wish
You would desire the king were made a prelate:
Hear him debate of commonwealth affairs,
You would say it hath been all in all his study:
List his discourse of war, and you shall hear
A fearful battle render’d you in music:
Turn him to any cause of policy,
The Gordian knot of it he will unloose,
Familiar as his garter: that, when he speaks,
The air, a charter’d libertine, is still,
And the mute wonder lurketh in men’s ears,
To steal his sweet and honey’d sentences;
So that the art and practic part of life
Must be the mistress to this theoric:
Which is a wonder how his grace should glean it,
Since his addiction was to courses vain,
His companies unletter’d, rude and shallow,
His hours fill’d up with riots, banquets, sports,
And never noted in him any study,
Any retirement, any sequestration
From open haunts and popularity.

Dogspeare

Canterfurry is praising Henry the dog. Henry is incredibly well trained and his poop is firm and healthy. He can even run agility courses. It is quite amazing considering that when he was a puppy, he was a bad dog—getting into fights, eating human food, barking, and chewing everything he saw.

Canterfurry
Watch him but prance heeled in obedience,
And all-admiring with and piercing stare,
You would desire the dog were made best in show:
Watch him listen to his Owner’s commands,
You would say it hath been all in all his training:
Touch his discourse of poo, and you shall feel
A healthy firm chunk render’d you in surprise:
Turn him to any course of obstacles,
The Gordian twist of it he will fly past,
Familiar as his backyard: that, when he comes,
The smell, an often libertine, is clear,
And pee holding wonder lurks in dog’s snouts,
To steal his sweet and honey’d aroma;
So that the grass and smelly part of park
Must be the mistress to this pungent musk:
Which makes heads cock how his grace should be so good,
Since his addiction was running away,
His companies unfixed, matted and growling,
His hours fill’d with fights, human food, claws,
And never noted in him any training,
Any devotion, any self-discipline
From pulling, begging, barking, chewing shoes.

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Twelfth Night – Why should I not, had I the teeth to chew it

Twelfth Night

Shakespeare

Twelfth Night is famous for love triangles and cross dressing. Viola, a woman, is in love with Orsino and has gone so far as to dress as a man named Cesario to be his servant. Meanwhile, Orsino is in love with Olivia and decides to send Viola/Cesario to woo her for him. In the process, Olivia falls in love with Cesario. In this scene, Orsino finds out that Olivia is in love with Cesario. Heartbroken, he threatens to sacrifice Cesario out of spite against Olivia. Viola loves Orsino so much, she says she is willing to die for him. Dramatic much?

Orsino
Why should I not, had I the heart to do it,
Like to the Egyptian thief at point of death,
Kill what I love?–a savage jealousy
That sometimes savours nobly. But hear me this:
Since you to non-regardance cast my faith,
And that I partly know the instrument
That screws me from my true place in your favour,
Live you the marble-breasted tyrant still;
But this your minion, whom I know you love,
And whom, by heaven I swear, I tender dearly,
Him will I tear out of that cruel eye,
Where he sits crowned in his master’s spite.
Come, boy, with me; my thoughts are ripe in mischief:
I’ll sacrifice the lamb that I do love,
To spite a raven’s heart within a dove.

Viola (as Cesario)
And I, most jocund, apt, and willingly,
To do you rest, a thousand deaths would die.

Dogspeare

Oreo wants treats. Meanwhile, his sister, Violet, isn’t taking the treat their owner is trying to give her. So he decides to draw her away with play so he can take her treat. Violet loves playing so much that she is happy to give up her treat to run around with him.

 
 
 

Oreo
Why should I not, had I the teeth to chew it,
Like a wild white fanged wolf at point of bacon,
Eat her treat too?–a hungry jealousy
That sometimes savours tasty. But hear me this:
Since you to non-regardance cast the snack,
And that I partly know the animal,
That screws chicken from its true place on my tongue,
Live you the even-handed Owner still
But this your doggie, whom I know you love,
And whom, by raw-hide I swear, I play with dearly,
Her reward will I tear out of that hand,
Where feast sits held in our master’s grip.
Come, dog, with me; my mouth is ripe with dribble:
I’ll entertain this pup who doesn’t eat,
and drawing away trick to get a treat.

Violet
And I, most eager, spry, and readily
To play with you, a thousand meats would cede.

King Lear – Thou, instinct, art my goddess

King Lear

Shakespeare

In Shakespeare’s time, if your mother wasn’t your father’s wife, you were a bastard and were treated like dirt. Edmund is a bastard born out of wedlock. His father tells everyone Edmund is a “whoreson” even though “there was good sport at his making” (awkward). Edmund ruminates over this unfair treatment and plans a letter to swindle his legitimate brother out of his father’s land.

Edmund
Thou, Nature, art my goddess; to thy law
My services are bound. Wherefore should I
Stand in the plague of custom, and permit
The curiosity of nations to deprive me,
For that I am some twelve or fourteen moonshines
Lag of a brother? Why bastard? wherefore base?
When my dimensions are as well compact,
My mind as generous, and my shape as true,
As honest madam’s issue? Why brand they us
With base? with baseness? bastardy? base, base?
Who, in the lusty stealth of nature, take
More composition and fierce quality
Than doth, within a dull, stale, tired bed,
Go to th’ creating a whole tribe of fops
Got ‘tween asleep and wake? Well then,
Legitimate Edgar, I must have your land.
Our father’s love is to the bastard Edmund
As to th’ legitimate. Fine word- ‘legitimate’!
Well, my legitimate, if this letter speed,
And my invention thrive, Edmund the base
Shall top th’ legitimate. I grow; I prosper.
Now, gods, stand up for bastards!

Dogspeare

Edmutt complains that he gets yelled at when he begs for human food. Humans are such misers! He plans to go to the next person at the table until he finds someone who will give him food.

 
 

Edmutt
Thou, instinct, art my goddess; to thy call
My behavior is bound. Wherefore should I
Sit in the face of commands, and permit
The stinginess of miserly men to deprive me,
For that I have four legs and am some two thumbs
Lag of a human? Why dog? wherefore no meat?
When my appetite is as well yearning,
My tongue as ravenous, and my teeth as sharp,
As civil mankind’s issue? Why brand they us
With bad? with beggar? get off me? bad, bad?
Who, in the space under the table, have
More patience and affable quality
Than doth, above it with gluttonous men
Go to th’ consuming a whole bag of chips
Got ’tween breakfast and lunch? Well then,
Civilized Owner, I must eat from table.
Your neighbor’s scraps are to the beggar Edmutt
As to the civilized. Fine word ha- “civilized”!
Well, my civilized, if this paw nudges,
And my intention thrive, Edmutt the bad
Shall eat with th’ civilized. I gulp; I consume.
Now, gods, share steak with canines!

Romeo and Juliet – O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?

RomeoandJuliet

 

Shakespeare

The Montagues and the Capulets are mortal enemies. This makes it incredibly hard for two lovers, Romeo, a Montague, and Juliet, a Capulet, to even spend time together. Juliet yearns for Romeo and bemoans that his last name keeps him from her. Romeo watches and then interrupts her speech.

 
Juliet
O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
And I’ll no longer be a Capulet.

Romeo
[Aside] Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?

Juliet
’Tis but thy name that is my enemy;
Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.
What’s Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What’s in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call’d,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name,
And for that name which is no part of thee
Take all myself.

Romeo
I take thee at thy word.
Call me but love, and I’ll be new baptized.
Henceforth I never will be Romeo.

Dogspeare

Chihuahuas and Newfoundlands are very different sizes. Chihuahuas weigh around 6 pounds; Newfoundlands around 160. This makes it incredibly hard for Jules, a Newfoundland, to play with Romeo, a Chihuahua. Jules laments that she cannot play with Romeo because of their different breeds. Romeo watches and then interrupts her speech.

Jules
O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy forebears and refuse thy kind;
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my rove,
And I’ll no longer be a Newfoundland.

Romeo
[Aside] Shall I hear more, or shall I bark at this?

Jules
’Tis but thy breed that is too undersized;
Thou art thyself, though not a Chihuahua.
What’s Chihuahua? it is nor paw, nor tail,
Nor pad, nor snout, nor any other part
Belonging to a pet. O, be some other breed!
What’s in a breed? that which we call a dog
From any breed would still man’s best friend be;
So Romeo would, were he not tiny toy bred,
Retain that sweet aroma which he vents
Without that descent. Romeo, doff thy breed,
And for that breed which is no part of thee
Come play with me.

Romeo
I take thee at thy woof.
Say but “Come”, and I’ll be new pedigree.
Henceforth I never will be Chihuahua.

A Midsummer Night’s Dream – I am that merry wanderer of the park

MidsummerNight

Shakespeare

Puck, a.k.a. Robin Goodfellow, is a mischievous sprite. He is known for his pranks, which Oberon, the king of fairies, loves. For one of his pranks, he transformed someone’s head into a donkey’s head. When a fairy asks if he is the trickster she has heard about, Puck outlines some of his best shenanigans.

Fairy
Are you not he?

Puck
Thou speak’st aright.
I am that merry wanderer of the night.
I jest to Oberon and make him smile
When I a fat and bean-fed horse beguile,
Neighing in likeness of a filly foal.
And sometime lurk I in a gossip’s bowl
In very likeness of a roasted crab,
And when she drinks, against her lips I bob
And on her withered dewlap pour the ale.
The wisest aunt telling the saddest tale
Sometime for three-foot stool mistaketh me.
Then slip I from her bum, down topples she,
And “Tailor!” cries, and falls into a cough,
And then the whole quire hold their hips and laugh,
And waxen in their mirth, and neeze, and swear
A merrier hour was never wasted there.
But, room, fairy! Here comes Oberon.

Dogspeare

Buck is an energetic golden doodle. He constantly pulls on leash and runs around any chance he gets. He outlines some of his best times in the park.

 
 
Fairy
Are you not he?

Buck
Truth is in your bark.
I am that merry wanderer of the park.
I walk with Owneron and make her stoop
When I a fat and treat-fed dog go poop,
Circ’ling in likeness of a roundabout.
And sometimes whiff I in my patient snout
The very likeness of a mallard duck,
And when it quacks, against my leash I pluck
And on the tightened nylon falls my friend.
The fastest ball flying to farthest end
Sometimes for game of fetch it deceives me
Then slip I from her grip, down topples she,
And “Come!” cries, and she pats onto her thigh,
And then the pack turns their hips to comply
And barking in their mirth, and sprint, and stare
A tastier treat was never wasted there.
But, look, brothers! Here come some squirrels.

Much Ado About Nothing – I beg thee, cease thy training

Much Ado About Nothing

Shakespeare

Leonato is extremely depressed because he thinks his daughter, Hero, has died (even though she hasn’t and it is all part of an elaborate plan to get everyone to like her again after a previous elaborate plan made her lose face). Leonato refuses advice from someone who doesn’t suffer the same pain he does. It is easy to give someone advice when you are not suffering the way they are, but suffering yourself, you can’t follow that same advice.

Leonato
I pray thee, cease thy counsel,
Which falls into mine ears as profitless
As water in a sieve. Give not me counsel,
Nor let no comforter delight mine ear
But such a one whose wrongs do suit with mine.
Bring me a father that so loved his child,
Whose joy of her is overwhelmed like mine,
And bid him speak of patience.
Measure his woe the length and breadth of mine,
And let it answer every strain for strain,
As thus for thus and such a grief for such,
In every lineament, branch, shape, and form.
If such a one will smile and stroke his beard,
Bid sorrow wag, cry “hem” when he should groan,
Patch grief with proverbs, make misfortune drunk
With candle-wasters, bring him yet to me
And I of him will gather patience.
But there is no such man. For, brother, men
Can counsel and speak comfort to that grief
Which they themselves not feel, but, tasting it,
Their counsel turns to passion which before
Would give preceptial med’cine to rage,
Fetter strong madness in a silken thread,
Charm ache with air, and agony with words.

Dogspeare

Leo is an adopted dog with a rough past. His Owners are trying their best to train him, but are having difficulty. Other dogs are easy to train, but with Leo impatience takes over because his past makes him unruly.

 
 
 

Leo
I beg thee, cease thy training,
Which falls into mine ears as profitless
As meats in a freezer. Give me not training,
Nor let no other dog play with mine food
But such a one whose past does suit with mine.
Bring me a stray pup that fought for his food,
Whose bed of straw was overwhelmed like mine,
Bid him quiet and patient.
Measure his fear the length and breadth of mine,
And let it tremble every shake for shake,
As thus for thus and downward tail for such,
In every standing back hair, eye, snout, and paw.
If such a dog will sit and wait and stay,
Bid his tail wag, “unh-unh” when he should whine,
Patch fear with “it’s ok,” follow loud noise
With chicken-rewards, bring him yet to me
And I of him will leashed be patient.
But there is no such dog. For, Owner, men
Can train dogs and speak comfort to their fear
When their dogs do not scare, but, sniffing it,
The training turns to impatience which past
Would give multiple treats for commands,
Address strong pulling with a full head turn,
Praise come with “yes!”, and always end with fetch.

Antony & Cleopatra – Sir, I will not be bathed, I’ll not be trimmed.

Antony and Cleopatra

Shakespeare

The three leaders of the Roman Republic (Antony, Caesar, and Lepidus) are vying for total control. Caesar dismisses Lepidus and then goes to battle Antony at sea. Antony gets extra ships from his lover Cleopatra, the Queen of Egypt, but still loses the battle. Caesar wants to show off his victory by parading Cleopatra through the streets of Rome. She describes the terrible things she would rather do than be displayed to Rome as a prize.

Cleopatra
Sir, I will eat no meat, I’ll not drink, sir.
If idle talk will once be necessary,
I’ll not sleep neither. This mortal house I’ll ruin,
Do Caesar what he can. Know, sir, that I
Will not wait pinioned at your master’s court,
Nor once be chastised with the sober eye
Of dull Octavia. Shall they hoist me up
And show me to the shouting varletry
Of censuring Rome? Rather a ditch in Egypt
Be gentle grave unto me. Rather on Nilus’ mud
Lay me stark naked and let the waterflies
Blow me into abhorring. Rather make
My country’s high pyramides my gibbet
And hang me up in chains!

Dogspeare

Cleo was at doggie day care all day. She comes home very dirty and smelly. Her owner wants to bathe her to clean off the pee she rolled in, but she resists being bathed and describes the pains she would rather endure.

 
 
 

Cleo
Sir, I will not be bathed, I’ll not be trimmed.
If some grooming will once be necessary,
I’ll not sleep neither. This human house I’ll stink up,
Do bipeds what they can. Know, sir, that I
Will not wait to shed at my master’s court,
Nor once be brushed to stop the runny eye
Of allergic humans. Shall they hoist me up
And put me into the running water
Of bathroom shower? Rather a crate in darkness
Be a gentle den unto me. Rather on dog park’s edge
Hold me tight-leashed and let all the other dogs
Bark me into submission. Rather place
On Owner’s highest bookshelves my best treat,
And remove my kibble!

Julius Caesar – Be quiet till the last

Julius Caesar

Shakespeare

After defeating Pompey and his sons in battle, Julius Caesar is to be crowned Emperor of Rome. Cassius thinks Caesar is acting too much like a dictator king. For the good of Rome, Cassius convinces Brutus to help kill Caesar. After the murder, a crowd of Romans gathers and listens to Brutus defend the killing.

Brutus
Be patient till the last.
Romans, countrymen, and lovers! hear me for my
cause, and be silent, that you may hear: believe me
for mine honour, and have respect to mine honour, that
you may believe: censure me in your wisdom, and
awake your senses, that you may the better judge.
If there be any in this assembly, any dear friend of
Caesar’s, to him I say, that Brutus’ love to Caesar
was no less than his. If then that friend demand
why Brutus rose against Caesar, this is my answer:
–Not that I loved Caesar less, but that I loved
Rome more. Had you rather Caesar were living and
die all slaves, than that Caesar were dead, to live
all free men? As Caesar loved me, I weep for him;
as he was fortunate, I rejoice at it; as he was
valiant, I honour him: but, as he was ambitious, I
slew him. There is tears for his love; joy for his
fortune; honour for his valour; and death for his
ambition. Who is here so base that would be a
bondman? If any, speak; for him have I offended.
Who is here so rude that would not be a Roman? If
any, speak; for him have I offended. Who is here so
vile that will not love his country? If any, speak;
for him have I offended. I pause for a reply.

Dogspeare

Barkus is usually a well behaved dog, but on his last walk he ran away from his owner even as he heard the “come” command. Barkus explains his disobedience noting his instinctual impulse to play with other dogs was too strong to resist.

 
Barkus
Be quiet till the last.
Owners, man’s best friends, and walkers! Hear me for my
cause, and don’t bark loud, that you may hear: believe me
for I am alpha, and have respect to my rank, that
you may believe: question me with your sniffer, and
dampen your nostrils that you may the better judge.
If there be any in this noble pack, any great loyal
canine, to him I say that Barkus’ obedience
was no less than his. If then that dog demand
why I ran away against “Come,” this is my answer:
not that I obeyed Owner less, but that I obeyed
instinct more. Had you rather I down-stayed and been
locked on leash, than that I ran, to go free and
play fetch? As Owner trusted me, I cry for him;
as he gave attentive pets, I licked his face; as he was
training, I honoured him: but, as he was so boring, I
left him. There are licks for his love, joy for his
playing, honour for his training, and spite for his
dullness. Who here is so beta that would be a
bond-dog? If any, bark; for him have I offended.
Who here is so submissive that would not run to play? If
any, woof; for him I have offended. Who is here so
tame that will not play with his kind? If any, howl;
for him have I offended. I pause for a reply.

Sonnet 18 – Shall I compare play to a rawhide bone?

Sonnet

Shakespeare

Summer is amazing. The weather is great, the days are long, and you can go outside and play. Shakespeare thinks his love is even better though: summer can be too hot and always comes to an end, but his love is eternal.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date;
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm’d;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature’s changing course untrimm’d;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow’st;
Nor shall Death brag thou wander’st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow’st:
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

Dogspeare

While rawhide bones are delicious, they eventually melt away as they are chewed or are taken away, but dogs can always play.

 
Shall I compare play to a rawhide bone?
It is more lively and more vivacious:
Rough bites do erode what good tricks have sown,
And rawhide’s end comes quick if tenacious;
Sometimes it’s too abruptly swiped away,
And often is it stored too high above;
And every taste from taste often decay,
By spit or brother’s thieving push and shove;
But playtime’s active spirit shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that fun it brings;
Nor shall Gut brag it digest in his shade,
When off the leash you get to spread your wings:
So long as dogs can run or snouts can smell,
So long lives this, and this makes paws propel.

As You Like It – All the world’s a trail

As You Like It

Shakespeare

Jaques has a reputation for being melancholy. He is such a Debbie-downer that he brags he can make sadness out of good things. He belittles life itself by equating it to a play, which we merely act out.

Jaques
All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse’s arms.
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel,
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woful ballad
Made to his mistress’ eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths, and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon’s mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lin’d,
With eyes severe, and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper’d pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side,
His youthful hose well sav’d, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.

Dogspeare

Jack is a contemplative dog. He loves to hike and reflect. Here, he realizes that a dog’s life is like a long trail.

 
 
Jack
All the world’s a trail,
And all the dogs and canines merely hikers:
They have their summits and their trail heads
And one dog in his time sees many yards,
His markers at seven stages. At first, the new whelp,
Blind, deaf, and nursing on mother’s milk.
And then the social puppy, with his new teeth,
And adorably cute face, jumping spring
All over his litter. And then the adopt’d,
Loving new family, with a woeful carpet
Made to be dripping yellow. Then a mongrel,
Full of strange ways, chewing up all the shoes,
Not coming when called, sudden and quick in humping,
Seeking the alpha reputation
Even in his Owner’s den. And then the adult,
In fair round belly with luscious treats lin’d,
With full grown size, calmed temperament,
Full of wise paws and growing distances;
And so he walks his part. The sixth stage shifts
Into the grey and droopy senior coat,
With cataracts in eye and slow panting,
His youthful toys well chew’d, a world too hard
For his worn teeth; and his big wolf-life bark,
Turning again toward puppish treble, yaps
And yip yips in his sound. Last post of all,
That ends this strange eventful exploring,
Is second puppyness and near oblivion
Sans ears, sans eyes, sans everything but love.

The Merchant of Venice – Fair turkey bacon’s pack!

Merchant of Venice

Shakespeare

Bassanio is in love with Portia and is willing to do whatever it takes to win her affection, but he isn’t the only one. In fact, Portia has so many suitors that her father has crafted an unconventional test to sift through them. Three caskets made of different metals—gold, silver, and lead–are laid before the suitors and whoever picks the right one gets Portia’s hand in marriage. When Bassanio chooses the correct casket he can’t believe it.

Bassanio
What find I here?
[Opening the leaden casket]
Fair Portia’s counterfeit! What demi-god
Hath come so near creation? Move these eyes?
Or whether, riding on the balls of mine,
Seem they in motion? Here are sever’d lips,
Parted with sugar breath: so sweet a bar
Should sunder such sweet friends. Here in her hairs
The painter plays the spider and hath woven
A golden mesh to entrap the hearts of men,
Faster than gnats in cobwebs; but her eyes,–
How could he see to do them? having made one,
Methinks it should have power to steal both his
And leave itself unfurnish’d. Yet look, how far
The substance of my praise doth wrong this shadow
In underprizing it, so far this shadow
Doth limp behind the substance. Here’s the scroll,
The continent and summary of my fortune.
[Reads]
“You that choose not by the view,
Chance as fair and choose as true!
Since this fortune falls to you,
Be content and seek no new,
If you be well pleased with this
And hold your fortune for your bliss,
Turn you where your lady is
And claim her with a loving kiss.”
A gentle scroll. Fair lady, by your leave;
I come by note, to give and to receive.
Like one of two contending in a prize,
That thinks he hath done well in people’s eyes,
Hearing applause and universal shout,
Giddy in spirit, still gazing in a doubt
Whether these pearls of praise be his or no;
So, thrice fair lady, stand I, even so;
As doubtful whether what I see be true,
Until confirm’d, sign’d, ratified by you.

Dogspeare

Woofanio has been having a great time camping with his family. To deter him from their food, the family has sprayed their meat cooler with chew deterrent. The spray’s terrible smell is supposed to keep dogs away, but Woofanio is too curious to be stopped. When he finds the meats, though, he can’t believe that they are his to eat.

 
 
Woofanio
What find I here?
[Opening the cooler sprayed with chew deterrent]
Fair turkey bacon’s pack! What demi-god
Hath sealed such great creation? Move these zips?
Or whether, riding on the snout of mine,
Seem they in motion? Here are spiral’d hams,
Coated with sugar glaze: so sweet a sheen
Should cover such sweet meats. Here in the ice
This box plays the protector and hath melted
A slush bath to preserve the food of humans,
Longer than snow on mountains; but these zips, —
How could he reseal bacon? having chewed some,
Methinks he should have craving to eat the rest
And leave the bag wide open. Yet sniff, how far
The substance of my praise doth wrong this raw pork
In underprizing it, so far this raw pork
Doth limp behind barbecued. Here’s the scent,
The aroma and perfume of my sweet fortune.
[Sniffs]
“You that choose not by the smell,
Chance as fair and choose as well!
Since this picnic falls to you,
Be content and track no new,
If you be well lured by this,
and hold your barking for your bliss
Turn you where your new foods lay
And claim them as if fresh killed prey.”
A gentle scent. Fair bacon, by your leave;
I come by whiff, to nibble and to thieve.
Like one of two begging for some fresh steak,
That thinks he hath been cute to earn his take,
Hearing “treat” and universal “good boy”,
Giddy in instinct, still muted acting coy
Whether these words of leave be his or no;
So, thrice fair bacon, stand I, even so;
As doubtful whether what I smell be prim
Until confirm’d, okay’d, given by him.

Othello – Thus do I ever make my fool my nurse

Othello

Shakespeare

Othello, a great general, decides to make Cassio his new lieutenant. Iago is angered because he wanted the job. Instead of telling Othello or trying to be better for the next promotion that comes around, Iago turns into a true villain. He lays out a plan to frame Cassio and take his job by convincing Othello that Othello’s new wife is having an affair with Cassio.

Iago
Thus do I ever make my fool my purse:
For I mine own gain’d knowledge should profane,
If I would time expend with such a snipe.
But for my sport and profit. I hate the Moor:
And it is thought abroad, that ’twixt my sheets
He has done my office: I know not if’t be true;
But I, for mere suspicion in that kind,
Will do as if for surety. He holds me well;
The better shall my purpose work on him.
Cassio’s a proper man: let me see now:
To get his place and to plume up my will
In double knavery—How, how? Let’s see:—
After some time, to abuse Othello’s ear
That he is too familiar with his wife.
He hath a person and a smooth dispose
To be suspected, framed to make women false.
The Moor is of a free and open nature,
That thinks men honest that but seem to be so,
And will as tenderly be led by the nose As asses are.
I have’t. It is engender’d. Hell and night
Must bring this monstrous birth to the world’s light.

Dogspeare

Ruffago’s owner thinks he has his dog trained, but, in reality, Ruffago has his owner trained. This cunning dog gets his owner to take him to the dog park by barking and pretending he has to pee.

 

Ruffago
Thus do I ever make my fool my nurse:
For I mine own train’d knowledge should profane,
If I would paw extend on such command.
But to be taken outside. Then given food:
And it is thought inside, that ’twixt his rules
He refined my nature: I know it is part true;
But I, for half compliance in that kind,
Get treats as if for surety. He feeds me well;
The better shall my begging work on him.
Destination is dog park: let me see now:
To go that place and to fill up my well
In double woofery—How, how? Let’s sniff:–
After some time, barking loud in Owner’s ear
That he is too distracted from his work.
He hath a doggie with a clear dispose
To go out-of-doors, framed to have to go pee.
Once they are out in free and open nature,
He thinks me honest and will reward me for’t,
And will as tenderly be sniffed by my nose As asses are.
I have’t. It is enliver’d. Paw and lick
Must bring this cunning dog to the world’s light.

The Taming of the Shrew – Charm her with some tail wags

Taming of the Shrew

Shakespeare

Kate (the “Shrew”) is a mean girl who nobody likes or believes will get married, but Petruchio likes a challenge. He describes how he will woo Kate by saying she is the opposite of how she acts.

Baptista Minola
Signior Petruchio, will you go with us,
Or shall I send my daughter Kate to you?
 
Petruchio
I pray you do.
[Exeunt all but PETRUCHIO]
I’ll attend her here,
And woo her with some spirit when she comes.
Say that she rail; why, then I’ll tell her plain
She sings as sweetly as a nightingale.
Say that she frown; I’ll say she looks as clear
As morning roses newly wash’d with dew.
Say she be mute, and will not speak a word;
Then I’ll commend her volubility,
And say she uttereth piercing eloquence.
If she do bid me pack, I’ll give her thanks,
As though she bid me stay by her a week;
If she deny to wed, I’ll crave the day
When I shall ask the banns, and when be married.
But here she comes—and now, Petruchio, speak.
[Enter Katherine]
Good morrow, Kate—for that’s your name, I hear.

Dogspeare

Kate isn’t the biggest fan of dogs. Pet-Ruffio still knows he can get her to feed him and play with him by doing all the things she tells him not to.

 
Owner
Furry Pet-Ruffio, will you come with us,
Or shall I send my daughter Kate to you?

Pet-Ruffio
I beg you do.
[Exeunt all but PET-RUFFIO]
I’ll sit for her here,
And charm her with some tail wags when she comes.
Say that she blink; why, then I’ll bark until
She gives as freely as a charity.
Say she “quiet!”; I’ll pounce on her as quick
As keen lions whose dinner is past due.
Say she “get down!”, and will not give one treat;
Then I’ll lick between her toes so she laughs,
And I will look with utter piercing cuteness
If she do bid me stay, I’ll run around,
As though she bid me play fetch for a week;
If she deny to share, I’ll nudge her hand
So she shall drop some hams, and I’ll be stuffed.
But here she comes–and now, Pet-Ruffio, speak.
[Enter Kate]
Bark, Woof, Woof Kate–it’s time for lunch, I hear.

The Tempest – If by your art, my dearest Owner

The Tempest

 

Shakespeare

Prospero conjures a storm that tears apart a boat filled with people. Prospero’s daughter, Miranda, pleads with him to stop the storm to save those who were tossed into the sea from the boat.

Miranda
If by your art, my dearest father, you have
Put the wild waters in this roar, allay them.
The sky, it seems, would pour down stinking pitch,
But that the sea, mounting to th’ welkin’s cheek,
Dashes the fire out. Oh, I have suffered
With those that I saw suffer. A brave vessel
Who had, no doubt, some noble creature in her
Dashed all to pieces. Oh, the cry did knock
Against my very heart! Poor souls, they perished.
Had I been any god of power, I would
Have sunk the sea within the earth or ere
It should the good ship so have swallowed and
The fraughting souls within her.

Dogspeare

Mia doesn’t like the vacuum cleaner. She describes how loud it is and how it sucks up pieces of food she could have eaten.

 
 
Mia
If by your art, my dearest Owner, you have
Put the wild vacuum in this roar, allay it.
The beast, it seems, would roar out shrieking pitch,
But that the rug, closing off th’ creature’s snout,
Muffles the sound out. Oh, I have suffered
With treats that I saw sucked up. A grand morsel
Which had, no doubt, some tasty chicken in it,
Gone all the pieces. Oh, the Vroom did pull
Against my very heart! Poor crumbs, they vanished.
Had I been any dog of muster, I would
Have chewed the plug within its crux or ere
It should the good mess so have swallowed and
The luscious treats within her.

Macbeth – If it were gone when ’tis gone, then ‘twere well; It were gone quickly

MacBeth

Shakespeare

Witches are usually scary and creepy, but Macbeth is happy to hear three witches tell him that he is going to be king one day. After this prediction, his wife, Lady Macbeth, gets impatient sitting around waiting for the current king to die. She prods Macbeth to kill the king (now who is scary and creepy). Macbeth contemplates the murder. If the assassination didn’t come with any consequences, Macbeth would love to be king, but killing a well-liked king is very bad karma.

At Macbeth’s Castle, where King Duncan is a guest:
Hautboys and torches. Enter a Sewer, and divers Servants with dishes and service, and pass over the stage. Then enter MACBETH.

Macbeth
If it were done when ’tis done, then ‘twere well
It were done quickly. If the assassination
Could trammel up the consequence, and catch
With his surcease success; that but this blow
Might be the be-all and the end-all here,
But here, upon this bank and shoal of time,
We’d jump the life to come. But in these cases
We still have judgment here, that we but teach
Bloody instructions, which, being taught, return
To plague th’ inventor: this even-handed justice
Commends the ingredients of our poisoned chalice
To our own lips. He’s here in double trust:
First, as I am his kinsman and his subject,
Strong both against the deed; then, as his host,
Who should against his murderer shut the door,
Not bear the knife myself. Besides, this Duncan
Hath borne his faculties so meek, hath been
So clear in his great office, that his virtues
Will plead like angels, trumpet-tongued, against
The deep damnation of his taking-off;
And pity, like a naked newborn babe,
Striding the blast, or heaven’s cherubim, horsed
Upon the sightless couriers of the air,
Shall blow the horrid deed in every eye,
That tears shall drown the wind. I have no spur
To prick the sides of my intent, but only
Vaulting ambition, which o’erleaps itself
And falls on th’ other.

Dogspeare

This Thanksgiving, the humans have been incredibly busy in the kitchen and it smells amazing! Just as the table is finished being set, the food is left alone with Macgruff. He contemplates whether to jump up on the table and eat the food. It would be an amazing feast if there were no repercussions, but spoiling this dinner is bound to get him a date with punishment.

 
 
Thanksgiving Dinner. Enter humans with dishes and service, and pass over the stage. Then enter MACGRUFF.
 
 

Macgruff
If it were gone when ’tis gone, then ‘twere well
It were gone quickly. If the ravenous feasting
Could trammel up the turkey leg, and leave
No crumb on the table; that but this bite
Might be the eat-all and the end-all here,
But here, upon bank and shoal of kibble,
We’d jump the meal to come. But in these cases
We still have judgment here, that we but teach
Hungry instructions, which, being taught, return
To starve th’ inventor: this even-handed justice
Commends the furtive patience of our silent plotting
To our own bowls. They’re here in double trust:
First, as I am their best friend and companion,
Strong both against the deed; then, as their guard,
Who should against their burglars alert bark woof,
Not bare the bones myself. Besides, this household
Hath borne its dog treats with largesse, hath been
So kind with its belly rubs, that its virtues
Will plead like trainers, whistle-tongued, against
The famine by fowl taken-off table;
And the sight, like an unfurled toilet roll,
Shred to pieces, or muddy paw prints, laid
Upon the priceless carpet of the bedroom,
Shall sear the horrid theft in every eye,
That they shall lock me up. I have no claw
To scratch the sides of my hunger, but only
Feral instinct, whose repression keeps me
Under the warm table.

Hamlet – To pee or not to pee

Shakespearean Dog

Shakespeare

You think you have a crazy uncle? Hamlet’s uncle murdered his father then married his mother. In response, Hamlet contemplates the pros and cons of suicide. Pros: avoid the troubles of living (including insane uncles) through a long sleep. Cons: the sleep of death might be full of nightmares.

Hamlet
To be, or not to be–that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep–
No more–and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to. ’Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep–
To sleep–perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause. There’s the respect
That makes calamity of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th’ oppressor’s wrong, the proud man’s contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law’s delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th’ unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry
And lose the name of action. — Soft you now,
The fair Ophelia! — Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remembered.

Ophelia
Good my lord.

Dogspeare

Hambone has to pee, but his owner is not home to take him out. He weighs the pros and cons of urinating inside the house. Pros: he marks his territory and relieves himself. Cons: he will get in trouble and miss a chance to go outside where he could play with other dogs.                                              

Hambone
To pee, or not to pee–that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the groin to suffer
The cramps and sloshing of a quite full bladder
Or to unleash a yellow sea of troubles
And by leaking get scolded. Alone, in crate–
No more–and by a stream to say we pass
The urine, and the thousand grumbling torments
Of holding it in. ’Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. Go pee, “bad dog”–
“bad dog”– perchance stay in: grr, there’s the rub,
For while we are indoors what dogs may come
With whom we cannot mutually butt sniff
Must give us pause. There’s the respect
That makes calamity of free whizzing.
For who would bear the waiting and holding,
Th’ oppressor’s leash, the human’s domineering,
The pangs of loneliness, the paw’s delay,
The insolence of mankind, and the loss
Of opportunity to claim one’s den,
When dog himself might lavatory make
With a high backleg? Who would hold urine,
To huff and puff under a cramping load,
But that the dread of not going outside,
To undiscovered country, from whose smells
All dogs communicate, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear liquid we have
Than miss a scent of those we know not of?
Thus conscience does make good dogs of us all,
And thus the urge to mark one’s territory
Is suppressed by the appeal of a walk
And even canines of great strength and will
With this regard their currents stay inside
And lose the name of alpha. — Bark woof woof,
The door is opening! — Human, with your help
I can finally go pee.

Ownerphelia
Let’s go out.